fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

Reblogged from Current Obsessions

coleyyoung:

cryptidsandoddities:

Clouds are weird yo.

Clouds are cool as shit yo

Reblogged from
aliciaaadani:

free him

aliciaaadani:

free him

Reblogged from HELIOPHILIA
camsfarts:

College students

camsfarts:

College students

Reblogged from My Life on the Z-List

jacklives:

"This homework is optional but you should do it for practice"

image

wnderlst:

Glymur, Iceland | Vasily Tserevitinov

wnderlst:

Glymur, Iceland | Vasily Tserevitinov
Reblogged from My Sediments Exactly
paxamdayum:

theladypipsqueak:

hipstaa-pleazz:

heavyxhand:

xviolenceagainstviolencex:

peanuhbutta:

pleatedjeans:

So, this half black/white kid got a tattoo of the Oreo barcode on his wrist


Why does it matter matter that this guy is mixed race!? You could of just written, “This kid”. Like his fucking skin colour matters! Cunt.

His bi-racial ethnicity is probably the point of the Oreo tattoo joke, cunt.

Dead.

imagine this kid working as a cashier, and this one customer is pissing them off, so they just casually swipe their tattoo under the scanner, after every item, and later the customer is just like, I DONT REMEMBER BUYING FIFTY CASES OF OREOS. (via)

whenever someone asks me what tumblr is, i will show them this post

paxamdayum:

theladypipsqueak:

hipstaa-pleazz:

heavyxhand:

xviolenceagainstviolencex:

peanuhbutta:

pleatedjeans:

So, this half black/white kid got a tattoo of the Oreo barcode on his wrist

Why does it matter matter that this guy is mixed race!? You could of just written, “This kid”. Like his fucking skin colour matters! Cunt.

His bi-racial ethnicity is probably the point of the Oreo tattoo joke, cunt.

Dead.

imagine this kid working as a cashierand this one customer is pissing them offso they just casually swipe their tattoo under the scannerafter every itemand later the customer is just likeI DONT REMEMBER BUYING FIFTY CASES OF OREOS. (via)

whenever someone asks me what tumblr is, i will show them this post

Reblogged from Majestic.
mashable:

Dronies Are the New Selfie
Because selfies just weren’t cutting it anymore

mashable:

Dronies Are the New Selfie

Because selfies just weren’t cutting it anymore

Reblogged from Mashable

narutooth:

neptunain:

can someone from the science side of tumblr explain this

image

covalent bonds

noobtheloser:

A rough approximation of my skill at picking up women.

/pathetically paws air nearby 

Reblogged from smosh
thrithwig:

king-of-the-casuals:

I’m just gonna let the world figure this out

thrithwig:

king-of-the-casuals:

I’m just gonna let the world figure this out

Reblogged from smosh

piesexualdean:

turtwink:

does medusa have pubes and if so are they snakes too

image

Reblogged from trouble will find me

sarcastic-snowflake:

tastefullyoffensive:

I love the look on his face when he gets to the smallest one.

fuck you

pennyfornasa:

On July 14th, the United States Geological Survey (USGS) released the most detailed map of Mars to date. The USGS compiled data from four orbiting spacecraft over the course of more than 16 years to make the map, which, according to researchers working with the project, should add significantly to our understanding of the Red Planet.
The four spacecraft used in making the map include three NASA spacecraft—Mars Global Surveyor, Mars Odyssey and the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter—as well as the European Space Agency’s Mars Express Probe. Among the many insights that the map provides is the fact that the Martian surface is older than scientists previously believed; according to researchers, three times as much surface area formed during the Early Noachian Epoch—the first major geologic time period—than previously thought. This period is characterized by a high rate of meteorite impacts, the likely presence of water, and widespread erosion, and it lasted from about 4.1 to 3.7 billion years ago. Researchers also say that this new map could provide valuable information about possible future landing sites on the Martian surface.

Read more here: http://www.space.com/26521-best-mars-geology-map-video.html
With a Penny4NASA, we will learn even more about the Red Planet and usher in a new era of exploration! Take action: http://www.penny4nasa.org/take-action/

pennyfornasa:

On July 14th, the United States Geological Survey (USGS) released the most detailed map of Mars to date. The USGS compiled data from four orbiting spacecraft over the course of more than 16 years to make the map, which, according to researchers working with the project, should add significantly to our understanding of the Red Planet.

The four spacecraft used in making the map include three NASA spacecraft—Mars Global Surveyor, Mars Odyssey and the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter—as well as the European Space Agency’s Mars Express Probe. Among the many insights that the map provides is the fact that the Martian surface is older than scientists previously believed; according to researchers, three times as much surface area formed during the Early Noachian Epoch—the first major geologic time period—than previously thought. This period is characterized by a high rate of meteorite impacts, the likely presence of water, and widespread erosion, and it lasted from about 4.1 to 3.7 billion years ago. Researchers also say that this new map could provide valuable information about possible future landing sites on the Martian surface.

Read more here: http://www.space.com/26521-best-mars-geology-map-video.html

With a Penny4NASA, we will learn even more about the Red Planet and usher in a new era of exploration! Take action: http://www.penny4nasa.org/take-action/

Reblogged from Penny4NASA